All weekend I have been writing a post about last week as I wanted to share with you what wonderful things happened to me that week, I will post that but today I feel led to share something else.
I spend a lot of time alone, before I was saved I felt very lonely, I would cry most days as I felt totally rejected and useless by the worlds standards. After a few years I started to get scared of being alone, I began to worry about something happening to me and no one knowing or caring. I relied heavily on people to be there for me and when they started to move away I panicked I felt like no one cared and the world had totally rejected me. Everyone seemed busy and burdened by their own cares. I started to get thoughts that there was only one way out….then God stepped in.
Things have improved a lot since then but I still find myself slipping into old ways, when I feeling supported by people I feel better but then something will happen someone will be busy or decide that the method of communication is too much for them and the old feelings of rejection start to creep in. These feelings have come back to me a few times recently. Last night I read my Bible and felt lost like it wasn’t going in, so I stopped reading I started to doubt and feel afraid. Then today I was writing in my journal and a snippet of what I read yesterday came back to me, so I re-read the psalm that I stopped reading last night. And I read this:
It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. – Psalm 118: 8 (KJV)
I didn’t get to that bit, I felt too let down by people and like I didn’t matter, I allowed my old feelings to get to me but the LORD was trying to tell me something. Thankfully He doesn’t give up, He will keep telling you until it sinks in.
Being lonely is scary, relying on people is frightening, when you are vulnerable and need people you feel more vulnerable and when those people start to move away you feel like you are too much of a burden, I have even had people tell me I am too much of an effort for them, family members who felt I was being selfish because I was so ill I couldn’t get to them. So I would sit here hoping someone would notice how lonely I was how scared I was and someone did, someone who knew all along. Someone who’s love I deserve the least but loves me more than anyone can.
We live in a society where people are expected to deal with their own issues, neighbors who don’t know each other and people who need help more than others are being told they are too much of a hassle for society to deal with. We are only human we can’t take on the cares of everyone we all have our own pain and issues. Don’t get me wrong there are people who go to the ends of the earth to care for people I know there are and I have had a lot of support from people which I am very grateful for. It isn’t always a personal thing, though it may feel that way. We try our best to be there but sometimes we just can’t do it all the time. But God can and he understands our limitations.
I wanted to share this with you I because I wanted to let you all know you are not alone, you are never alone. Even though we may forget it sometimes.
Note: just to say when King David wrote that Psalm he wasn’t talking about not feeling supported because of an illness, far from it. My situation is very far from his I am not a preacher nor a teacher, I am very new to the faith and there are are better people out there than me who can explain the context scripture. But I do know that the Lord was using his word to comfort and reassure me that he is here and he will not let me down.