I always find it a little difficult to come back to my blog after a bit of a break. I never intend to take a break, it just always happens. I would love to be able to keep up a regular pace but, well, life doesn’t work that way.
I do have to admit though I was unsure if I was going to come back after the last one, but it just feels right to share this now.
I have been blogging now since August 2008 and a lot has happened in that time. I’ve tried to document as much as I could. Not always easy as I know fellow bloggers will agree. Life doesn’t fit neatly into segments ready to blog, we have to pick it apart to try and work out what people would actually care about and what we wish to document (the latter being more important to me as that’s why I started this blog in the first place) I never expected anyone to read it, I made it public in case it helped anyone else with the same illnesses.
As I am sure you will have guessed this year hasn’t been the easiest for me. I got what I call ‘super ill’ again back in April and, well, I gave up. Chronic and mental illness comes in waves, some waves you can stand up against but some come crashing over you and overwhelm you, you end up being pulled out to sea and thrashed about until you are so tired you cant swim back without help. So I gave up 7 years of fighting to just keep treading water came to an end and I let myself sink.
I could go into what happened, the warning signs, the circumstances, the people that hurt me, but whats the point? It happened I can’t change it.
What I am here to share is what happened to me while I was out there in the sea dragging me down. I called out to God. And he answered. No one was more surprised by this than me. Believe me. Of course Christianity is something I’ve known about a long time, some of my family members are Christians. I have always prided myself on being someone who accepted and ‘understood’ all ‘walks of life’ and I thought I knew and understood Christianity, turns out I knew nothing.
What do I mean by answered? I mean just that, He answered. I went from feeling like there was only one way out to feeling at peace in an instant. I didn’t do anything I just asked for help and I got it. And I’m still getting it.
No one talked to me about God, no one put the thought into my head to call out to Him, it was sheer desperation, I didn’t think anything would happen but it did.
I was no longer afraid of being alone, I started to see and talk to my family again. I stopped wishing myself dead. I have found not one but 4 nice doctors and a therapist who have helped me, been kind to me and I have, finally, been able to forgive all those Drs who have hurt me and been unkind. Never in all the time I have been ill seen so many nice doctors. I’ve never seen so many docs in such a short space of time, no one seems to be giving up on me and I still can’t believe it. There is so much more that has happened to me, everyday brings new blessings and a little bit more healing. The Lord has me now, He isn’t just helping me swim back, He’s pulled me up into his boat and is holding me.
I am still dizzy but my treatment seems to be helping, some symptoms have gone altogether and a lot have got better, I finally feel like I am getting somewhere.
Like I said I write this to document my life and this is too big a thing not to document. I am still so very grateful to everyone who reads my blog and has reached out to me and been there for me. I want you to know if you ever move on there are no hard feelings, I will never stop being grateful or caring for anyone I have met online. Some people online have hurt me deeply and I still care for them and worry that they are ok.
I am new at this and I have no idea what is going to happen or what I will be sharing, I am still very much into my art and crafts but I do it for a different reason now. I still believe firmly in acceptance and gratitude but I have a reason to do it now, and someone to be grateful to, who I should have been grateful to all along. I do know one thing for certain though,
I am not scared of my future any more.