So its over a year ago since I started my course at the OCA. It has been a huge learning curve to say the least. With everything that happened that year and with how restricted my movement became it got harder and harder to do the things asked of me in the course. I found myself getting very frustrated and thinking that just I wasn’t good enough to do it. Add to that my usual inner critic telling me I can’t draw and you have someone who puts it off, and then puts it off some more.
I contemplated packing it all in but something inside me really doesn’t want to do that so I took to my journal. I worked on myself and realised that my ego was telling me that I was never going to be any good at this and this was not true. I needed to take a step back and re-evaluate why I wanted to do this and start again.
So that’s what I did. I decided that in order to keep the flow going I needed to draw more in smaller sketchbooks just to practise, something my ego told me before I couldn’t do. I questioned this though and realised this it was just pure fear of failure as my illness has taken so much from me, I was trying to protect myself from that pain again by not trying.
A big revelation I thought.
So I went through all my notes I received from my tutor, wrote down everything she says I should work on and started. I allowed myself to draw not so good just to get the feel of my hand moving and get used to seeing what is in front of me.
These are some of the drawings I have so far, (all drawn from photos except the fireplace):
I am still afraid, the deadline is approaching where I have to finish this module and I am scared it won’t happen but at least now I can say I gave it my absolute best shot.