August

Hello! This is me, in MacDonalds, being a little silly ;)

I am a little late with my overview of August. It has been a very busy time and so I am now very tired. However I am finding I am recovering so much quicker than I used to.

A few more milestones were reached in August though that I wanted to share…

This month I reached a huge milestone.. and that was I actually ate a meal out! I went to my in-laws for dinner, for the first time in 6 years and a week later I went to MacDonalds. I am actually not a fan of MacDonalds truth be told but it was the only place we could think of where I could try to sit down in a public place and eat where it would be quick and I could leave and not worry about leaving the food behind and wasting money. I haven’t eaten a meal out with husband since 2007. It was hard, I will admit. Even though I am slowly getting better, I really believe that, I am left with anxiety and agoraphobia. I am not surprised by this given how long I was isolated. But, with the Lords constant help I am getting out more. I really couldn’t do it without Him.

I have been spending some time at my sisters new house as she and her husband are refurbishing. It has been pretty amazing as it wasn’t that long ago my Mum moved and I couldn’t even go and visit her new house as I felt so unwell let alone help with the jobs of moving. They actually bought me the hatch to the loft to clean just because I felt so bad that I couldn’t help. And this past month I have been helping strip and prepare walls for painting, doing tip runs with hubby and generally trying to provide support to both my sister and her husband as it is a very stressful time.

We celebrated a birthday this month, my nephew turned 5! Usually I know we would say it went by quick but considering what has happened in that time and the fact that my life used to go by painstakingly slowly I have to admit I don’t feel that way ;) It is wonderful to be able to spend time with him on his birthday though, before I would spend a maximum of 20 minutes there and be so poorly afterwards it would take a long time to recover. I was there 3 hours and even played pass the parcel.

I am still continuing to go into shops and that is going from strength to strength I have been wallpaper shopping with my sister and I have done a couple of weekly shops with husband, which, to be honest I am still struggling to believe.

 Our lovely new heart, above our bed, a pressie from Little sis and her hubby.

We decorated our bedroom, we have lived here for 7 years and never decorated our bedroom, for many years it was left in darkness for somewhere for me to go when my symptoms became unbearable. Now as I sit here typing the curtains are open, the windows are open and it is clean and looking nice again.

I have still been doing a little exercise and have actually been out a couple of times for a jog! I never even did that when I was well! Starting off very small but even small was too big for me at one time.

I am still working hard to get my uni work done and a few more jobs in the garden have happened. Plus I am trying to do more around the house and lift husbands burdens he has been carrying for so many years. I am finding I am having to stop for periods at a time as I am getting very tired. I am still sleeping a fair amount during the day especially the mornings. It is a long process but one I feel more and more confident about each day.

Doing normals things is such a wonderful privilege denied to so many, I am finding that being able to do things such as house work, paint a room, go for a walk, go shopping, all things that used to seem like such chores and like there were better things to do now are such a wonderful things to me. Everything I do I do for the Lord. He sustains me, He renews me, He builds me up and He comforts me. When I get tired I know I can spend time in His word and talk to Him and He will guide my steps and reveal Himself to me He will speak to me and answer my prayers, relive my worries, and comfort my soul.

I look back to that day when I called out to Him, I was the lowest I had ever been, I felt I had no one to turn to, no one to help me out of the constant anxiety, dizziness, confusion, fatigue, pain, every muscle in my body was so tense and I had forgotten how to relax. Everything moved constantly and had for so long I didn’t know what it felt like to feel normal, to have normal feelings that weren’t extreme and unpleasant. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to relax. But now as I look back I am struggling to remember how it felt to be that unwell. All I remember is that, when I finally turned to Him I was helped though it by my wonderful savior. How he sits with me when I am scared, how He comes to me when I need Him. And how even though I came to him with selfish intent, wanting to be healed He still saved me and took me a better way, a way that brought me to know Him, an understanding of who He is and that all He wants is me to love Him, nothing more. He could’ve have just healed me then and there, I know he could but instead He has strengthened me, He has taken me down difficult paths and with His help He has taught me what it means to be a follower of Him and I am so glad He did this. By revealing Himself to me He has revealed myself to me also, I learned who I was and I didn’t like it.

I reached out my hand

Everyone has problems in this life, no one is exempt from pain, grief or worries. It is only by leaning in Him we come to realise that He is the only way to get though these times. And that His only priority is that we have a relationship with Him, forever. So He will use those times to teach us to trust in Him and His strength, He will use our pain to heal us and to change us. And, ultimately we realise it is not, nor ever was about us, its about Him. It was or never is about what He can do for us, but about what He has already done. That is when we come to a place of true healing. He didn’t have to create us, He didn’t have to give us this life, He didn’t have to come down and sacrifice His own life to get us out of the mess we had got ourselves into. He choose to do these things because of who HE is, not of who we are. Forgiveness is there we just need to accept it and receive the true healing of the soul.

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Garden

I was going to post this last week but it ended up being quite a busy week as I was helping my sister with her new home doing a few jobs, tip runs with hubby etc as there is a lot of work to be done.

I was glad for the distraction as our pet bearded dragon died early last week and I was surprised to discover how used I was to having him in my living room, we got him not long after we moved here so it felt very strange for a while after he was gone. I also didn’t realise how much I talked to him! (I am not afraid to admit I talk to my pets ;) ) not being able to get out meant he was company for me for a long time. Plus I had to face the fact that I couldn’t just leave the house to take my mind of it until hubby was home, I had to face it full on, this was a tough lesson I have to admit.

Anyway. What I wanted to talk about was my garden. Last year I shared how I wanted to grow a few things in pots to get me out a bit and hubby was very happy about this so he bought me a little potting bench for my birthday last year. Well I enjoyed it so much and the weather this winter was so mild that we decided to do some actual work in the garden as it had been neglected for so long. Hubby tried his best to keep the lawns down but holding a job, a business and then studying as well as taking care of me and the house meant the garden wasn’t a priority. But things are different now.

During the work

Hubby did all the big work, he chopped down the back hedge and took out a few trees at the bottom of the garden and we discovered our garden was a fair bit bigger than we thought! He built a raised bed there and we planted onions and potatoes. We bought him a little greenhouse as he wanted to grow tomatoes and they took off that much that we had to by another one just for them! He also seeded some pumpkins in there which have now been planted in the garden, also in his greenhouse he has grown some cucumbers, chillies, peppers and melons.  Plus I still wanted to grow some carrots in my pots again. Also just after my operation a neighbor came over with some peas and bean plants for us so we planted them also. How blessed are we?

How it looks at the moment, except that the onions are now strung and the potatoes are out, plus the trees have been moved as we need to cut the hedge again.

It has been a huge learning curve for us, some things have worked, others not so much, we are both really enjoying doing it together though and walking around the garden together with a cuppa discussing what needs doing next. I have missed doing things with him so much, I think that’s been the biggest blessing.

One of the casualties was a melon and a couple of pumpkins, the one on the bottom right is still going strong though.

God willing, next year we would like to do more work and grow more food, I would dearly love to get him a proper greenhouse if funds allow. I don’t think we will do as many things next year, this year was more about learning, seeing what we enjoy growing and what works and what doesn’t. And we have learned a lot. Though I do wish I had kept a journal on it so I think I might try and do that next year.

Some of the produce we have had from our garden

We definitely prefer growing food to anything else, even though I like flowers I like to have a ‘working’ garden. If that makes sense. Hubby has a couple of trees in pots so hopefully we will have some fruit as well. Though when we go on our drives we like to keep an eye out for apple trees and damsons etc. I will share about that in another post though.

image

Almost forgot our peas! Didn’t get many but we have learned a few things if we do them next year.

Like I said there is more work to be done, I really want to get our little outhouse painted and more trees need removing but I am so pleased with the work we have done this year. It feels grand to have a project to do when last year I couldn’t spend more than ten minutes in the garden without feeling faint. I still do feel unwell but my stamina is definitely improving.

I thank the Lord for His provision and I thank Him for strengthening me more and more so I can do these things and get such pleasure from working on His creation. And enjoy spending time with hubby again, time is so very precious with our loved ones and I hope I never take him for granted ever again. I have to say being ill is very hard, especially when it was really bad but it has made me very grateful to be able to do some things again I used to take for granted.

God bless

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Family

I shared a few posts ago now that I have been spending more time with my family. After my breakdown in 2010 I cut myself off from my family, I did see them but it wasn’t often. Whenever there was an organised event or birthday, I would get very anxious as being around people made me feel so unwell, the stimulus was too much. I found it hard to see and talk to anyone even my husband who had to come in from work so quietly as he knew that just that change would make me feel poorly. This depressed me deeply, I remember one family member going into hospital and I couldnt do anything to help, we nearly lost him and all I could do was sit in my living room waiting to hear any news. I felt like I had let everyone down and they were better off not being burdened by me.

When my mental health went downhill again in 2013 I reached out to my family, my Mum started to visit me on a Wednesday afternoon and chat to me via google hangouts as well. I became afraid to be alone and my family stepped up visiting me and checking in on me. I can’t actually list the amount of times I see and talk to my family now as it is so often. In the beginning of this year I even had my younger sister and her husband over for dinner and my older sister and her family. Seeing her boys is such a joy, I was so worried I would miss out on them growing up. The relationship with my Mum has grown so much in The Lord, when I was born again it was like I saw her for the first time, as I now understand that Jesus is with her.

About a month ago I went to see my 4 yr old nephew at his gymnastics class, it was a amazing. I had such an wonderful day, I went charity shopping with my sister and we spent the afternoon and evening laughing like old times.

A couple of months ago we had a surprise tea party for my Mum and we have had one each month since, yesterday it was at my older sisters and we had my 3 year old nephew as a guest, he got a grown up plate with cake which pleased him greatly and me and his Mama had fun blowing bubbles outside while he showed us how you catch them.

As I look back I now I realise how I allowed my illness to ruin so many relationships, I became bitter, jealous and resentful. I believed that everyone was thinking I was weak and pathetic and not trying hard enough. I thought everyone thought I was lying and making out my illness was worse than it was. It effected every relationship I had, especially my marriage.

Now things are very different. When I see my family and my husband I see what the Lord sees. I look forward to spending time with them. His love is so vast and He wants us all to love each other how He loves us. But first we have to know Him as on our own that is impossible. His love is pure and immeasurable. When we try to fit it into our own understanding we can’t understand it as its from a small and human perspective which is why we need to know Him. I mean really know Him, giving your life to Him, walking with Him daily. Turning our hearts to Him and putting Him first in everything. Going to Church each week and thinking that makes you a good person without giving your heart and life to Jesus doesn’t produce that love.

I want to share something… When I was a little girl I looked forward each week to seeing my Mama and Papa. Eveyone I knew that met them always said they felt drawn to them that there was something about them. And I felt it too, when I was with them I felt so comfortable they didnt make me feel silly for anything I said or did, they were so gentle, so gracious and kind and you knew it was real. My Papa had such a gentle and kind voice and when he talked everyone was quiet. He was very wise and I never saw him rise to provocation, he met hostility with grace and kindness. The same was for my Mama who had a beautiful singing voice that always quietened the room, they loved each other so deeply that you saw it every time they looked at one another. She would play the piano for us each week and we would all sing together. I loved them very much. When I was ill I used to console myself by reminding myself that they loved me, these kind and wonderful people loved me… I didn’t understand it because I knew next to them I was not a good person.

When I gave my life to Jesus and started to get to know Him I realised something. The love I felt wasnt just my grandparents. It was Jesus. He loved me and had done from the day I was conceived. He was gently calling me to Him. All those years ago. Next to Him I am not just a not good person for he is perfect but He loves me. And He loves my family He wants me to enjoy being with them and show them His Love. Through me He wants to show his grace and His love for everyone. I pray I can be as open and receptive to that as my Mama and Papa. I am very far from that right now. I hope that through me the Lord can reach other people who felt like I did, lost, afraid, alone and scared and so He can say to them, its ok, I love you. Come home.

This Journal page was inspired by a video I saw of my Mum and the home league group she attends at the salvation army, I felt truly blessed by it :) My Mum is the one on the far right.

 

God Bless x

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Wherever you lead…

I said in my last post that I had a period of feeling a little dejected after trying something that made me feel unwell, I took a bus to my sisters and back but it was a shock to my system and I didn’t try a little ride first to see what it is like. It had been many years since I had traveled on a bus and I wasn’t prepared to feel that dizzy on it. Before I asked the Lord into my life this would’ve set me right back as I found it so hard to bounce back after years of trying to do it alone.

I have had more than what is ‘normal’ dizzy spells for most of my life. I would ignore them and not say anything but as I got older it just got worse. Eventually after nearly 2 years of going to the doctors asking for help as the spells were getting more frequent and lasting longer the dizziness came back and never went. I tried to keep going back to work, I would take a taxi so I didn’t have to get on the bus but hubby would always end up fetching me as I would be stumbling over and becoming stressed as I couldn’t see properly or do my job. I wouldn’t understand what the customers wanted and all the noise and the lights just made things worse. My colleagues would try to help but eventually they would just end up calling my husband to come and get me. The last day I had at work I broke down in the office as I was so tired of fighting, my colleague, who was a Christian, prayed over me and I left and never went back. I hope one day I can see her and tell her her prayer was answered.

After that I tried to keep going out and carry on as normal, I would go to the local shops and I would get the bus to my Mums, I even went out to the pub a few times to see my brother in law perform despite the noise being so hard to deal with. I tried to fight it no matter how unbearable it got but after 3 years of going to the hospital and trying to keep going I ended up bedridden for a few weeks over Christmas. Once again though I picked myself up and tried to fight, that was really hard as I got to the point were I was afraid to come down the stairs for fear of falling. However I kept getting up even though everything was constantly moving and that year I even went to my sisters wedding and danced for 1 song. That year as well (2009) I had to have paramedics come out a couple of times just to give me a high dose of sickness medication so I could get out of bed. My hubby and my Mum would help me, that was embarrassing for a 28 year old but there was no other choice. (Though out all of this my husband has been an amazing support)

I still kept fighting, believing the GP who went against the specialists advice and took me off my medication as he believed it was depression. But it kept getting worse. I was eventually sent for CBT therapy and ended up having a breakdown. (end of 2010) After that everything stopped and I became sofa bound, I stopped going into town, I stopped going to the seaside and on long rides in the car and I stopped seeing my family and friends.

I decided that I wasn’t going to see another doctor, that I was going to do it alone, I was going to exercise and eat right and make myself well. And I did those things, I lost 2 and a half stone and even though I would exercise  and then go upstairs and collapse in the bathroom, everything spinning and the head pressure getting unbearable, clinging on to the shower curtain and the bath but I kept doing it.  I did this for nearly 2 years, but it kept getting worse. I lost weight and I felt better in myself because of the exercise but I was still dizzy and the head pressure kept getting worse my vision started to go weird and I kept falling to one side. I became tired and struggled to keep up with the exercise and eventually it stopped. I blamed all sorts for it saying it was the (online) work I was doing at the time but ultimately it was because my body could not cope with everything I was forcing it to do. Which wasn’t that much as I look back now, as everything I did apart from the exercise I did in the sofa unable to move much. Plus hubby took me out in the car for a little drive most days to help me get out.

I decided it was time to take some tests, I had a belief that my hormones were playing a part in this so I got private tests and found out I was right, I found out my T3 (thyroid hormone) levels were so low they were at the levels expected for patients in intensive care. I panicked, I knew I had to see a doctor but I was scared because of how I had been treated so my mental health took another nose dive and this time I really couldn’t fight any more. it was gone and I started to feel suicidal. I really didn’t know where else to turn.

Out of sheer desperation I prayed, I called out to God and I got an answer. And things finally started to get better. Now I don’t have to fight and a year after coming to Christ I found myself in a hospital bed having had surgery feeling so calm and so loved despite feeling so unwell.

Now when I fall he catches me and He renews my spirit. When things become too much I run to him and He helps me. With His help I went back to the doctors. I am still far from well but when I go too far like I discussed in the last post I turn to Him and He comforts me.

When the bus incident happened in July I was tempted to fall into my old thought patterns I was tempted to forget that things are different now and He is here. But He reminded me, He called to me and I gave it all to Him. One night I just listed everything that was worrying me, everything that was on my mind and left it in His hands. And I felt at peace. I don’t need to do anything, I don’t need to fight to push or force my body to do anything it can’t do because He will do it, all of it. He helps my mind, my body and my spirit. He helps in practical ways, I have found that every doctor I saw before got ruder and ruder and refused to help, after, I can’t begin to tell you how much kindness and help I have had and when they are hindered from helping because of the system The Lord has provided in other ways. He helps our spirits, by his word and by talking with Him. He comforts our spirit and calms our minds. He is in everything and He is a very present help in trouble.

Thank You Lord.

This week my dizzyness has flared up and yesterday I sat down to paint some fabric for uni and I had a vertigo attack. Once again I panicked thinking that it was all coming back, that I was going to end up so ill I couldn’t move again. But last night I listened to this message from my church and I remembered that things are different now so I talked to Jesus and fell asleep.

So many wonderful things have happened since I came to my Lord, things I didn’t precipitate, all I have done is just turn up and turn to Him. Step out the door, go to the GP and let Him lead it all. He doesn’t promise His way is an easy path, if fact He states the opposite, but I can tell you, it is worth it. Because I no longer have to fight and wear myself out, I just have to turn up and ask Jesus where I need to be.

This has been along post, thank you for reading I pray that whoever reads this feels the peace I am talking about, a peace that surpasses all understanding. If not, then give to Him, turn to Him, He is waiting.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light

Matthew 11:28-30

God Bless x

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July

July has been a very busy month, I have been trying to finish my drawing module (only a little more to do now) and also still playing catch up with textiles since my surgery. This has mainly been what I have been doing (as well as journaling) however some other things happened also:

I had a bit of a set back as I tried to take a bus into town which turned out harder than expected, however, I did it and I know that I just need to try smaller journeys when I am ready to try again. There have been some wonderful things happen this month however that I never used to be able to to do.

Been to a lot of shops, I only had to stay in the car a couple of times, I am still just doing small shops but I am spending longer and longer out which is wonderful. I shared this story on my facebook yesterday which explains why this is such a huge thing for us.

I drew outside, I have never done this before! I have recently managed more drawing in the garden but this was actually outside near the woods at the bottom of my street.

I have been trying to get a bit fitter, I started doing some regular low grade exercise.

I have still been visiting family, we have had 2 birthdays and I have been going to my sisters for dog sitting duties. Plus we had another cream tea afternoon.

I have started learning to play the keyboard, I am not sure where this is going but I am having fun.

I went for a walk last week and I ended up being faced with a huge hill that I hadn’t climbed in many years. I shared about it on instagram. The photo is the beginning of the hill, it has three sections, each one steeper than the last. I actually ending up taking a wrong turn because I was trying to avoid a dog running around, if that hadn’t had happened I never would’ve gone to this hill myself. However, The Lord knew I was ready :)

Hubby had a long weekend off last weekend and we invited the family round for a BBQ, this was such a blessing, so relaxing sitting in the sunshine, this time last year I couldn’t even spend 10 mins in my garden without needing to go back in. You can read all about here on my Mums blog :)

So lots of new things this month! At the beginning of the month I was feeling a little dejected after trying the bus ride and if that had happened before I became a Christian it would’ve completly set me back but The Lord renewed my spirit, I will talk about this in the next post I think but for now, lots of things from this month to Praise my Lord for!

God Bless x

 

 

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Art

Right after my operation OCA got in touch with me about my drawing submission asking if I wished to postpone as they had a lot of them for this assessment event. I thought about it and how great the timing was as I wasnt happy with the work I was going to send off and the fact that my operation meant I would’ve had to rush to get it all ready. So I explained about my surgery and that I was happy to do this. I felt it was right and that the Lord wished me to rework my work for it (something the uni encourages but I didn’t want to do as I had such a hard time doing it first time round). As I have worked on it though I feel this even more, I will discuss this later as I do more as I feel there will be more to share.

This has meant though that other creative work has gone a little which I am not too happy about. I still write in a prayer journal and write for my bible studies plus I have just started keepng a little daily journal to write and draw what I do each day to remind me of all my blessings and what the Lord does for me each day. (a page of that I shared on instagram is below)

I am hoping to be able to do more in my scripture/art journal but I do have a couple of pages I did just before my surgery I would like to share.

Just before my surgery I found I wanted to read the Bible a lot, and I was lead to read a few times about the 3 Jews, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who were sent into the fire by King Nebuchadnezzar and they where protected by Jesus in there, (Daniel 3) as I read this I knew I was being prepared for my operation but I didn’t realise that it was going to be so soon!

These are the pages I did during that time.

And this is the song that inspired this page as I heard it everywhere.

It amazes me how he prepares us for what is coming, how He does things that at the time we may not understand but it is all part of his purpose and plan. I have only been following the Lord a little over a year but I can look back and see how my life has been changed and how he was used things for my greater good, even when they dont feel that nice, that isn’t what He promises. Being comfortable doesnt change you or make you a better person and yes the Lord could change us without us doing anything but then that would mean it isnt in our own will and that our love is forced, not willing. My pastor likes to say that the Lord didnt make robots, He made people and well, would we really like it if we were robots?

I really do hope that I can do more pages than I have been again as I really enjoy them but I also know that the Lord will be using what I learn with uni for his glory as well and I know that all the hard work will be worth it as he puts nothing in our lives that He won’t use for His glory. Everything we do is for the Lord when we are His children.

God Bless!

N.b – I wrote this last week and then ended up doing another page :) I will share it very soon!

 

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June

My birthday cake

June has turned out to be a crazy month! There have been birthdays and walks, shopping, hospital visits and hubbies time off work.

It has been a lovely month.

We took my sisters puppy for a walk

I got the all clear from the hospital so I can finally put the years worth of testing etc behind me. Hubby had a week of work and we enjoyed some walks and some time spent together and one of those days I spent the whole afternoon with my sister, we went shopping and saw my nephew do his gymnastics class it was wonderful and the longest I have spent out of the house in many years. It has been mine, my nephews and hubbies birthdays so there has been far too much cake and oh boy my scales know it!

Hubbies birthday cake

I had a lovely cream tea with my sisters and Mum, we hardly get to spend time together as a family and it was such a blessing to just have an hour with them and enjoy some tea and scones.

My feet in the local river, I felt so brave as I struggle to be near water :)

Something else that happened this month was that we set up the back room as a craft/art space again and I have been spending time in there doing uni work and journaling. It has been so long since I could spend anytime anywhere other than the sofa, its such a small thing but it makes a huge difference to my life.

 

Boats at our local river gardens, hubby took this one, I wasnt quite so brave to go near that drop into the water ;)

This week I am very tired and my dizziness has kicked in high gear so I am resting but I have to say it is nice to rest knowing that I have had some good times and spent time with those I love, that was something I missed so much before. The symptoms used to be relentless and hard to deal with I used to just be ill and nothing else but now I get days where it lessens enough to do more and it is wonderful. Chronic illness is a balancing act and since I came to the Lord I seem to be able to balance it a lot better, my worst days are so much easier with him than my best days were without him. Sometimes I still get lost in the what I can’t dos as there is still so much I can’t do but when I look back to how I was to how I am now it amazes me all He has done and I look forward to what else is in store.

Lily in my sisters garden

I hope everyone else has had a lovely June as well.

God Bless

 

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Help for weary hearts

I have it on my heart to share this.

Last week I started to feel tired, I have been doing a lot more and from years of inactivity my body has lost muscle mass and my joints and bones have weakened so I get tired easily. But, more importantly not only did I feel tired in my body I felt tired in my spirit.

I dont know why but I thought there was something wrong with me. Everywhere I looked I saw people being horrible to each other, I saw people acting in a way that made me feel uncomfortable, a few other things happened and I started to question everyone I saw and spoke to (mainly online as I still dont get to talk to many people in the flesh, so to speak.) I became distrustful, then I started to question myself. It was a very quick snowball effect that eventually had me wondering if I was truly saved.

I broke down one night and when I came to pray I didnt know what to say, I found I couldnt pray I just didnt know how to express what was happening with me.

Then, to try and take my mind of of things I looked at my blog reader, I had a lot of blogs to catch up on and this came into my feed.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.”
Hebrews 12:3

Then this blog post, telling me to look to Jesus and not to the world, to focus on His life and what He went through.

I knew the Lord was telling me what to do, so I am doing it and even though I still feel very physically tired I know that I am safe, that I am loved and that I am saved and my spirit grows stronger as I grow closer to Jesus.

I thought that I was the only one who felt this way. But I realised that there would be no need for the Lord to say these words in scripture if no one else went though this.

So I just want to say to anyone who is feeling dragged down by the world, by the nastyness, by how we treat each other and by the people who claim to follow Jesus then say things about Him that are so wrong and hurtful it hurts your spirit to hear it. Look to Him, seek Him, learn about Him and all those things will fade away.

 

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Shops

Its been nearly 3 weeks since my surgery, I am healing very well and I was very happy to be able to get back to going out more quite soon afterwards.

When I became ill going into shops became harder and harder and as my illness went on, it eventually got so difficult I stopped altogether. The noise, the lighting, the people were all too much stimulation and made my dizziness/movement and head pressure too bad to deal with. If I did manage to force myself it would take days sometimes weeks for my symtoms to go back down to the baseline.

But since giving my life to Jesus things are changing, some of it been so slow that I hardly noticed it and then one day several weeks ago I asked if we could go to the shops. I started out by going into quiet supermarkets for a few minutes and build up from there. We try not to make a big deal out of it and make it as normal as possible just going to places where and when we actually need something.  And if I find myself becoming overwhelmed when I go in, I stand still and I pray and the Lord helps me. I am still very much at the beginning of this but I am feeling very encouraged by how it has been going.

As I look back I see so many things changing in my life and so many things happening. Some have been so subtle I haven’t even noticed until it has happened and so much has happened without even me trying, that’s the power of God’s grace for us.

Something that I am finding is I can do more and my symptoms don’t get as bad as they did before. Its hard to explain. I am finding I recover quicker from things where as before I would be ill for so long that doing it again just filled me with dread.

Trying on the wares, thats what you do, right?

Also last year I did try to go to shops and it didn’t work as well, I was still very ill and one of the lessons I am learning from this is that I have to be patient as the Lord’s timing is always perfect. Even if we do something that seems right, even something like going to Church and the Lord isn’t ready for us to do it, we shouldnt be discouraged if it doesnt turn out how we expected and just wait for the Lords will for us. Its a hard lesson I have to admit but when I think how I tried to force it before I was ready and before God wanted me to compared to how I am now having waited I know it is a lot better to just trust and know that God doesn’t change things for us until we change for Him.

We have a great sweetie shop on our little town :)

So May was a month of getting into shops more plus facing big issues with my health.  April and March was doing the garden (which is still a working progress but we have a lot of lovely things growing in our garden now, I will share very soon), finding new places to walk out with hubby plus facing fears with scans etc. Also thoughout this year I have been going to see my family more and more. I think I will share that in another post though.

I wonder what June will hold? :) One thing is for sure God has gone before me and will be there no matter what!

God bless x

 

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Surgery

Page done the day after my surgery

So not long after I wrote my last post on going to the hospital I received a phone call from my surgeons receptionist asking if I could go in the next morning for my operation as they had had a cancelation. I am sure you can imagine my reaction. But I still said yes, I knew this was in Gods hands and He was leading this as He had done from the beginning.

It is now a week later and I can say it’s been a life changing week. The surgery was to remove a lump from my temple. I have had a small lump above my eyebrow since childhood but over the past few years it, or I believe it was that I dont know yet, started to grow and change shape. I ignored it at first plus I was so ill I hardly noticed it, I never looked in a mirror I didn’t see the point. Other people noticed it though and family was starting to ask and worry about it.

Before the op

However not long after I gave my life to Jesus in May 2013, I went back to the Drs (which was a shock to everyone as I had decided I would never go back again after the treatment I had had). While there my husband mentioned the lump as I had no intention of doing so and the Dr sent me to hospital. I was sent for an MRI last June but I couldnt do it as I can’t tolarate lieing flat so I thought I was discharged. Months later a letter came though the door asking me to go back. I realised then that The Lord wanted me to get this sorted so I went for an ultrasound and a CT both very hard but the Lord strengthened me each time I went.

They still didn’t know what it was so said the best course of action was surgery to get a proper diagnoses. Hence the phonecall last week.

As I look back I can see the Lords hand in all of this. The CT was a big challenge for me and I felt his presence during that so strongly. Every thing I have had to do He has calmed me and considering I suffer from anxiety I know it’s nothing to do with me. Before my operation I felt so peaceful, I had nerves of course I did but I just knew I was doing something I was supposed to be doing and that He was there and I was safe. I accepted my nerves and saw them for what they were and that feelings can not take me out of my Fathers hands.

The few days after were hard, I didnt take very well to all the meds or anasthetic they gave me and was very sick and couldn’t eat properly for a few days, but once again even though my body was shaking and I was being ill I felt peaceful deep inside. Its hard to explain. I think its something that can only be felt to be understood to be honest. This doesnt mean that I didnt cry and get upset because I did, it was a shock to my system and I was in pain (but not as much as I expected to be honest, Praise the Lord). The Lord continually reminded me of His presence and reassured me of His love, He knows my weakness and He understands. He does for all of us.

- This was taken yesterday after my stitches came out, looking at these pics I can’t believe I didn’t realise how much of a difference it made to me, I wasnt bothered by how I look and I’m still not. This wasn’t done for cosmetic reasons at all but I am surprised by how different I feel in myself now its gone.

I have received so much support and kindness from so many people its been overwhelming, I’ve had messages of’ support and so many people praying for me. I have a lovely friend who has been there for me who has provided emotional and spiritual support, I strongly believe the Lord has bought us both together. And then there’s my husband I can’t even begin with that one, he sat in the hospital for nearly 6 hours just so I didnt have to wait after being discharged, I don’t deserve him. He has looked after me since I became ill and I love him very very much. He encouraged me to keep eating, he worries so much when I can’t. I know he won’t read this I just pray that he knows how much I appreciate him and that I show and tell him enough.

I won’t know any more until the test results are back so I have no idea if this is the end or if there is any more to come. I do have a few things that will take time to get used to, my face looks quite different which I wasnt expecting and I dont know if I will gain movement back in my eyebrow (the surgeon did warn me of this) however I do know The Lord will be there no matter what happens as He doesn’t change. Ever.

I know that as health issues go this isn’t the worst thing that can happen but the Lord is there for us in all our trials, He knows our hearts and strengthens us especially those like me who are a little weaker than others. I don’t mind because I know in my weakness I allow Him to reveal His glory so I am happy to be weak.

 

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you

But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

1 Peter 4:12-13 KJV

(I think this part of scripture is about persecution, but the Lord used it to help me through and I am very grateful to Him for it)

God Bless

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